Okay. I need to let this out lest I’d go irreconcilably mental.
Nick and I went to the casino tonight. He wants to play game, he said. It would be fun, he said.
I do not know how it happened, but it was so fast. One moment, he was entering the 500 peso bill in the machine, then, he made a few punches on the buttons — 3 to 4 to be precise — and the next moment, in just a few minutes, literally, the 500php dissipated in midair.
It was his idea of fun — their fun — all those people in that stupid room, while all I could think about was the difference it could have made on some people’s lives.
It could have save a family from hunger for a few days.
It could have been used to purchase medicine for the sick who cannot afford to go to the hospital.
It could have been given to a student about to commit suicide because of the rising tuition fee.
It could have been used, sensibly, on a more relevant matter.
But it wasn’t.
I was shocked, so shocked I ended up heading back to our room, unable to bear the sight of people stupidly burning those money on something that does not make even the slightest sense. Then I grabbed a few clothes, soaked myself in the tub, and cried and cried and cried.
I cannot explain why I had such reaction. It was absurd, I know, but it was as if I was mourning for the world. Like something died. I am not sure what. Hope, perhaps.
I want to talk to him about it, but I fear that he wouldn’t be able to understand, given his first world orientation. I want — no, I need someone who can grapple and comprehend its complexities. Someone whose idea of life is far greater, deeper, and advance than some stupid football, beer and drunkenness, and fucking girls. Someone who does not have to purchase those misguided kinds of enjoyment in the bars, market, or casino. Someone sensible.
Until then, I guess I will begin avoiding people. Apparently, their stupidity is too much to bear.