The hydrangeas of my beating heart

Whatever friendship we have, I want it to flourish. I’m aware I am not very good at maintaining relationships, and this is precisely where I need you most.

Over the years I have stacked my collection of broken relationships, its rubble piled one after the other. I wish I can say that I have felt even a slight pinch of regret, but I did not.
 
I am a cold, heartless woman governed by technicalities and logic. In my quest for knowledge, other people do not matter to me.
 
You are an exception.
 
You said I feel things deeply, and yes I do. But I am not very good at expressing it. I understand the process of human emotions, the stimulus and response chain, but my feeling aspect remains largely undeveloped. You knew this.
 
For some reason, with you, I can be vulnerable. You listen to my random thoughts, no matter how haywire and frightening they are. I send you messages in the dead hours of the night, or when I’ve no one to talk to, and you soothe my personal demons with your every response.
 
I let you see the landscape of my loneliness and curiosity, the hydrangeas of my beating heart. I’ve led you by the hand to this dark, tired world that is inhabiting me.
 
At times I noticed your confusion — a certain answer you hold at the back of your small smile. At times it worries me.
 
I am a haunted house, long abandoned by civilization and time. Ghosts walk on my floors with their shackles and bones, my doors and windows creak in secrets, my rooms breathe in emptiness, my curtains drip in memories and pain and longing. I am consigned to oblivion.
 
And then you arrived.
 
And you keep me in check. You said I’m erratic, you pointed my mistakes. You propped me up. You dressed me down. You stitched my pieces intact. You did not flee out of contempt and panic. You did everything out of love. And I appreciate that.
 
I never asked this favor to anyone before, but if I ever run faster than this life, please, chase me. Don’t let me build walls out of isolation and cobblestones. Don’t let me shut off this world. Save me from cynicism.
 
Remind me there is hope.
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